Summer can suck my dick!

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

After spending my entire life living in a hot climate I can officially say, summer can suck my dick! I’m entitled to bitch today. I fully realize the heat is extreme all over many parts of the world right now and that places that don’t generally operate at hotter than hell temperatures aren’t equipped to handle it. I also acknowledge that I’m spoiled enough to have central AC but enough is enough! I’ve basically shut down my 2nd story for now because cooling it has become way too expensive. For a while now I’ve been feeling like the heat is really getting to me mentally and emotionally. No, I don’t work outside or have to be in the heat for long periods of time. My exposure is getting in and out of the car, briefly going inside somewhere, sometimes spending a while in empty places where the thermostat is set pretty high. We all know the car never really cools down until you’re damn near your destination if at all. Should this have such a profound effect on me now compared to prior years? Not at all. Is it still eroding me emotionally? Yes! I’ve always felt things more deeply than I’d like to but enough is enough.

This morning was a supremely shitty morning for a variety of reasons (most of them kid-related). Nothing too crazy, just relatively normal yelling, name calling, fighting, defiance, etc. but it completely broke me today. Something snapped in me while listening to it all causing years of painful memories to come flooding back. First, I froze, feeling like time was suspended. Hours of sobbing started. As I sobbed I was reminded of so many traumatic things I’ve experienced, all during various summers of my life. Why does summer hold so much evil? Is it solely because the heat makes people short tempered, more easily angered? I realized today that many of my most painful memories happened in the context of the brutally hot summertime

Early on — I remember getting sick at my stomach a lot on summer, like a bad nervous tummy or indigestion. My parents took me to the doctor who told them I was stressed out and recommended they take me somewhere fun. We went to the local amusement park where I got sick on a ride and my dad yelled for them to stop it before I puked on all the other riders. Ultimately there was no “fixing” me as a stressed out preschool kid, being overly sensitive to the stress of everyone around me would become part of who I am.

Age 7 — I vividly remember my dad coming back late one summer night after he’d moved out a few months before. That memory is immediately followed by watching him back out of the garage the next morning and somehow in my 7 year old psyche knowing he wasn’t “coming back” the way I’d thought the night before.

Many summers growing up — my mom’s emotional state would decline throughout the summer leaving me not knowing how to help her or how to make things better. Eventually those memories were pushed aside with much worse summer memories.

All summers from age 16–21 — loser stepdad would start drinking more and more daily. He worked in construction so he was entitled to drink as much beer as he wanted after being in the heat and we weren’t entitled to have thoughts about that. This meant picking more fights with my mom which meant constant screaming, door slamming, breaking things. Unfortunately this also led to having to listen to him screaming horrible things to my mom about what he’d like to do to me. Even more unfortunately this also led to hearing him beat her until he realized he’d gone too far and left before the police came. Thinking about it all now I’m not sure how I managed to hold myself together relatively well. It kills me now to think about this happening over and over but it did. They ultimately divorced but not before he tried to kill her multiple times, the final straw for her was when he shot at her in the backyard. He finally died this past year and that brings me a bit of peace knowing we’re forever free from him.

Age 17 — discovering I’m pregnant shortly after school got out and having to figure out what to do and how to pay for it with my meager allowance and babysitting money all while hiding the fact that I was feeling sick every day in my aforementioned chaotic home life. I was raised in a very “that doesn’t happen in our family” family and am the oldest among all the cousins. The pressure to not bring shame to the family was very real.

Age 23 — my stepmom died suddenly and unexpectedly that summer, throwing my whole world off. That is definitely one of those defining events where life is divided into before and after. I was at a concert with a friend and got home to see multiple late night calls on the Caller ID box from my grandparents, mom, & dad. In my gut I knew something bad had happened but immediately thought it was one of my grandparents. I can still hear my mom’s voice on the Call Notes message telling me that my stepmom had died. This made no sense, I’d just seen her the week before and she was just fine. It turns out she’d had a face lift that only my dad and her sister knew about. I was in between summer school sessions and stayed at home the whole next week just trying to process it all. She was older than my dad and I‘m sure she felt self conscious about aging but it wasn’t necessary, she was beautiful the way she was. This led to many angry resentful thoughts about societal beauty standards for many years.

Age mid 40's — I find out that summer after 20+ years of marriage that my husband has an 18 year old daughter he thought I’d never know about, can read about it here and here Still processing this, there’s a lot to unpack.

I’m not sure what my purpose in throwing this out there (wallowing in self pity? not exactly) after having it all come flooding back into my brain but I feel fully entitled to feel like summer can officially suck my dick. I’ll be spending the rest of the day in my tiny blowup pool in my tiny backyard with a joint and a glass of rose with lemon. Today, I’ve earned it.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
MaryAmusing

MaryAmusing

I’m totally NOT a writer but my life has become stranger than fiction so I’m writing it out (somewhat as it plays out) to hopefully be able to process.